Five Pointless Pieces of Health Technology!


Guest post by: Prerna Prasad

Technology is advancing with leaps and bounds; by the time you decide on your latest smart phone, chances are that the next model will have already hit the production line. One field in particular profiting via the technological boom is the health sector, the market is being flooded with outrageous and needles products. Here we cast a critical eye on five pieces of totally unnecessary health tech which we have deemed entirely worthy of public ridicule. So, put your wallet away and get ready to be amazed by our dumbfounding parade of pointless devices.

1. GoateeSaver

One device, targeting the oh-so-trendy niche market of goatee wearers, is little more than a souped-up particle mask allowing the user to protect their goatee whist maintaining a clean-shaven appearance. Due to the GoateeSaver’s retail price being generously low (£12.99 Amazon), in comparison to the Laser Shaver, this product may appear tempting. That is, until one contemplates exactly what it is on offer here; efficiency bordering on absurdity.

Verdict: Learn how to shave without looking like Bane from Batman.

2. Tweetpee

Another product, wittily named the Tweetpee app allows parents to digitally be informed when their child requires a diaper change. Forgo parental responsibilities and allow technology to parent for you! The invention of a baby monitor was understandable; its utility can be appreciated. Yet, the Tweetpee app might foster a more inattentive attitude amongst parents. This superfluous invention might be in danger of manipulating parents, invariably resulting in even more time spent on their smart phones.

Verdict: Spend more time with your children and work on your observation skills.

3. Wi-Fi Toothbrush

Do we need to monitor the percentage of our teeth we brush every day? Possibly, although Pocket-lint doesn’t think so! Do we need an electronic toothbrush with Wi-Fi to document the results with exceptional detail? Perhaps not. The Braun/Oral B Triumph 9900 is one such specimen.

The premise of this toothbrush seems smart; of course dental hygiene is essential, our teeth are assaulted daily by overly processed food, sugars and all manner of things bad for us. However, this should motivate us to learn how to take better care of our teeth, not simply to abdicate responsibility and allow a slightly fearsome device to cavort around our cavities. Moreover, the retail price of £130 should hopefully deter you and draw you back into reality.

Verdict: Worried about your teeth? Ask your dentist for tips.

4. Emergency Wearable Toilet

True to form Japan have created another classic. The emergency toilet is a large plastic bag, to be worn on the exterior of the individual. This device is fitted with pellets that transform your waste into solid matter, which are then ready to be disposed of. The absurdity of this invention is a given, however, the worry emerges when one takes into account how apathetic the globe has become. A dystopian future will surely be filled with people too lazy to move and conducting their dirty business there and then.

Verdict: Sometimes tradition should outweigh modernity.

5. The Neckline Slimmer

For a throwaway price of £7.69 (Amazon) this device may seem a must-have for all ladies inclined to spruce up their appearance by removing the tell-tale signs of ageing. This product comes as a package, an instructional DVD is provided, as well as interchangeable springs and (naturally) an attractive bag to carry these treats.

The contraption should be used for two minutes a day; it applies direct resistance to the muscles under your jaw line in a bid to firm them. We managed to have a chat with Omar El-Gohary, the head chemist at Britain’s leading online medical retailer ChemistDirect, and this is what he had to say. “Your skin is living matter and in theory it is fairly impossible to reverse the signs of ageing. There are numerous facial exercises which are far more beneficial than this bizarre product.” Unfortunately, like the snake oil salesmen of the old West promising miracle cures for whatever ails you, this product is pure hokum.

Verdict: You wouldn’t let someone manhandle your neck; do not extend that courtesy to an electronic device.

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